Hey guys! It’s been awhile! To commemorate me being two years depression free and the beginning of Spring Break, I decided to resurrect my blog :). I’ve been thinking a lot about the topic of strength/weakness recently, and I want to share what I’ve been learning:
One of the things I hate the most is being underestimated. I hate it when people think I’m not as competent, intelligent, funny, etc. as them. Essentially, I hate being looked down on, largely because I’m afraid of being “found out” as weak.
For example, a common thing that happens during one’s Senior year of high school is that people ask where you’re going to college (And no, I do not know where I’m going yet. Ask me in a month). I usually tell them a few schools I’m interested in and that I plan to move to the East Coast, to which about 20% of people reply, “But it’s so cold!! Why would you leave sunny California?!?” with the conversation essentially ending in, “You won’t be able to last a winter!” I understand this comes from a place of love and that these people say this only because they want me to stay closer to home, but what I hear is, “You’re too fragile to last in 40-degree weather. It’s stupid of you to think you’d last living across the country. You’re too weak.”
Is this an overreaction? Probably. But it’s a conclusion I can’t help but jump to.
To prevent people from looking down on me, I put out an ~energy~ (“persona” if you will) of strength and having it all under control. The downside of this though, is that it’s hard to form deeper relationships when I put up these walls of strength because let’s face it, it’s hard to relate to people who have it all together. It’s also incredibly exhausting pretending to be this strong person who can easily brush things off and is unfazed by the environment around her. I think a big reason large groups and parties are so exhausting for me is that I have to “be strong” for a lot more people. I can’t let them see that I’m anxious about how loud the music is or that everyone’s standing a little too close to me for comfort.
Over these past few months, however, I’ve realized that I need to be weak. This is kind of the opposite of what our culture tells us we need to be, but this what I know I need to do. After all, it’s what God says I need to do:
If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 11:30
I want to be able to walk into a room and not feel the need to prove my competence to others. I want to trust that others will still think highly of me despite all the things I don’t know or understand. But most importantly, I want to gain my security from God, because He loves my weaknesses so much more than my strength.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
– Psalm 51:17
So yeah. That’s what I’ve been learning these past few months…
Since it’s been two years since I was in rehab, I want to thank everyone who has supported me thus far on my mental health journey. It’s been a long one, full of extreme highs and devastating lows, but it’s my amazing support system that helps me through it all. I love and appreciate you all more than words can express.