Feeling Funky

2017:5-15

I told you I wasn’t kidding about the goats…

This time of year tend to be what I like to call “funky.” School’s coming to a close, a lot of celebrations and showcases are happening, and summer and all its activities are right around the corner. I, for better or for worse, am a person of routine, which makes this time of year, strangely, really stressful. My classes are at different times or canceled, events are being planned and scheduled one night after another and change at the last minute, and although I have more free time than normal, I don’t significantly feel any more relaxed.

The past few months I’ve really realized how much I rely on consistency and routine (which, funnily enough, is lot like my brother). I like knowing what to expect, I mean, who doesn’t! This past month, however, has been pretty all over the place, with a lot of fun things, as well as a lot of stressful things. It’s a pretty mixed bag. It started with APs, then the SAT, then prom, then new students to tutor (more money yay), yoga with baby goats (I’m not kidding), a CS showcase for STEM achievements this year, and lastly, end of year projects, essays, and finals. I know this sounds like a lot, but it’s been spread out over the month so don’t feel too bad for me. Actually, because of APs, half my classes at school are done.

The hard part for me about all this is not exactly that it’s a large quantity of events, it’s that I need to prep myself for new situations almost every day. Managing my anxiety at this point consists mostly of knowing what to expect, making a “game plan,” and praying about it to prep myself for any potential stressor. I realize, however, that I cannot function as a hermit, only staying within my comfort zone, in fact, I want to try new and exciting things, but my body isn’t a huge fan. It takes a lot of energy to prep myself, but I’m okay with that, because it’s always worth it. The down side, however, is that I’m exhausted. Which leads to funkiness.

I define funkiness as not really being present, kind of tired, a little lonely, scatter-brained, and really wanting to take a nap. It’s not depression, not even close, but it’s not pleasant either. I find myself daydreaming a lot, not very focused, and not really knowing what to do with myself despite the fact I have all these things going on. Whenever this happens, I tend to brush it off as “I’m just exhausted” and tell myself “It’ll end in a few days/weeks,” but it happens often enough to where it’s started to impede on my wellbeing.

I’ve realized that in my prepping for events and trying to manage my anxiety, I seldom rely on and trust God. Instead, I rely on my own knowledge and strength, and I think by now we all know where that gets me…

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

In dealing with this recent funkiness, I’ve realized I’ve needed to take a step back from my own plans and let God take control. My understanding of things are often not entirely accurate — how could they? I don’t know the future! I spend so much unnecessary time stressing over the future when all I really need to do is trust God, and He will show me where to go. Obviously easier said than done, but it’s a start.

With Love,
Emma

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